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Changing Normal

Embark on a journey of personal and relational transformation through the pages of Changing Normal. Combining biblical peacemaking principles with the authentic voices of 31 Chinese Christians, this book uncovers the roots of interpersonal conflict, explores obstacles to reconciliation, and provides practical, biblically based action steps to create space for peace.

Jolene Kinser does not shirk away from challenging issues such as face, status, power, and cultural expectations which often perpetuate conflict among us. Instead, addressing each of these issues through examples of real-life stories, this book vividly guides the reader on a pathway to authenticity, peacemaking, and even reconciliation, unveiling the possibilities within every relationship.

Join thousands of others who have begun living out biblical peacemaking principles when responding to conflict in family, work, and church relationships. Experience the impact of changing your normal!

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Explore this collection of impactful videos that educate and empower, guiding your journey of personal growth toward more meaningful connections.

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Pingshu 评书 Storytelling Performance

August 1, 2023

The Process of Learning Chinese Storytelling

August 1, 2023
Explaining why apologizing is so hard for us and how we can go about it differently

Why is Apologizing so Hard?

January 8, 2024
Why Face Matters, Chinese Peacemaking, Break through barriers to achieve peace

Why ‘Face’ Matters

January 14, 2024
The Difference Initiating a Conversation Can Make, Chinese Peacemaking

The Difference Initiating a Conversation can Make

January 16, 2024
Explaining the title of my new book: Changing Normal, Chinese Peacemaking, Break Through Barriers to Purse Peace

“Changing Normal,” the Title Explained

January 23, 2024

Frequently asked questions

How will this book help me improve my relationships?

Changing Normal provides insights, tools, and examples to help you:

  1. Get unstuck from conflict
  2. Get beyond face issues
  3. Have a positive, productive conversation instead of one that ends in an argument
  4. Talk peaceably with your parent, child, spouse, colleague or church member about topics you disagree on
  5. Listen better, ask great questions, and understand what both you and the other person value or need
  6. Address misunderstandings, mistakes, and sin instead of sweep them under the rug
  7. Understand how culture impacts conflict approaches
  8. Rely on God and abide in Christ when facing conflict
  9. Live according to the biblical principles of God’s reconciling Kingdom-culture
  10. Have hope that reconciliation is possible!

Is genuine relational reconciliation in Chinese cultures possible?

Yes! I have interviewed Chinese Christians who, relying on God, have lived out biblical peacemaking principles when responding to conflict in family, work, and church relationships.

As a result, they were able to address the root issues of conflict, begin to restore trust, and develop new communication habits. Instead of experiencing a fake, surface-level reconciliation that is commonly seen in face-saving oriented cultures, they truly reconciled at the heart level.

I am Chinese. How will this book help me?

This book introduces ways to overcome specific cultural barriers to addressing conflict and reconciling relationships that are commonly experienced in Chinese family, church, and workplace relationships.

These barriers include face issues, behavior expectations related to status and position, and common views about apologizing.

I am not Chinese. How will this book help me?

This book will help you better understand some of the cultural reasons behind why your Chinese or Asian friend, family member, or co-worker behaves as they do when facing conflict or contributing to group conversations. You’ll learn how to improve these relationships.

Also, this book is full of solid biblical teaching on peacemaking and reconciliation that will help any relationship.

Is this book more practical or academic?

While full of research-based insights, this book is transformation-oriented and can be used personally, by a church group, or in an academic setting. By transformational I mean that I wrote as if I was engaging the reader in a conversation to guide you to think deeply about difficult topics, to personally and/or communally reflect, pray, and apply the biblical principles introduced here when facing conflict issues in your own family, friendships, workplace, or church.

Each chapter includes a prayer and personal reflection questions that can also be used for group discussion.

Where can I find the research that Changing Normal is based on?

My dissertation entitled “Factors Impacting Relational Reconciliation in a Mainland China Faith-based Context: A Qualitative Study” can be found here at ResearchGate. 

Endorsements

Ken Sande

Jolene Kinser has written a wise and very practical guide to breaking through the barriers that stand in the way of pursuing peace with others. While the context from which she writes is the Chinese Christian community, Jolene’s approach to thinking biblically about cultural obstacles can be applied in any setting. Changing Normal is a vibrant affirmation that, with God, all things are possible. I am grateful to her for reminding us of this truth.

Ken Sande is the founder and President of Relational Wisdom®360 and the author of The Peacemaker, A Biblical Guide for Resolving Personal Conflict 

Laurie A. Stewart

Real-world, insightful, conversational, Changing Normal is a must-read book for anyone desiring to learn how to navigate conflict biblically and heal broken relationships in a different cultural context—both at home and abroad. Jolene Kinser’s keen insights, practical guidance, and personal stories transcends beyond Chinese culture and applies to many other cultural frameworks. This excellent resource will enable willing peacemakers to sharpen their understanding regarding status and respect issues, shallow apologies, cultural traditions, and power imbalances. This book is ideal for anyone doing ministry cross-culturally anywhere and values Jesus’ words: “Blessed are the Peacemakers, for they will be called children of God,” (Matt. 5:9).

Laurie A. Stewart, CEO & President of Peacemaker Ministries

Dr. Diane B. Obenchain

With decades of faith-informed, Chinese-language-based, peacemaking practice in mainland China, Kinser offers a must-read, step-by-step, how-to guide for in-Christ transformation of relationships from energy-sapping conflict to grace-filled joy. Brimming with lived Chinese examples, Biblical evidence, the latest Chinese research, and Spirit-matured wisdom, Changing Normal lights the way for everyday Christians, pastors, and lay leaders to real, experienced peace not only in Chinese cultural contexts but in any context, particularly cross-cultural contexts. When the going gets tough, reach for Changing Normal’s insights, chapter summaries, illuminating prayers, and questions for reflection that provide the skilled support we all need for heart-transforming reconciliation, inter-relational harmony, and Holy Spirit-led serenity.

Dr. Diane B. Obenchain, Director of the China Initiative 2014-2021, Senior Professor of Religion, Fuller Theological Seminary

Rev Dr Lim Siew Pik

Dr. Kinser is a highly respected “honorary” Chinese among her colleagues and friends. Her book is culmination of years of research towards a vision for holistic “peacemaking” in Chinese culture.

Reading as a 3rd generation diaspora Chinese, this book hits all the notes of the pervasive dynamics of being stuck in cycles of conflicts. Dr. Kinser describes explosive forms of conflict, a “no-no” in Chinese culture and highlights a “passive-aggressive” form of conflict that does not get at heart level reconciliation. She astutely identifies the core issues of face, status, power and cultural expectations that perpetuate conflicts among individuals. Personal observations suggest that these core issues also apply to the primary drivers of long-lasting conflicts between opposing groups within Asian church and Christian communities.

The book’s primary value lies in its message that achieving peace and reconciliation starts with individuals choosing to break down barriers and initiate conversation. Dr. Kinser builds upon rigorous academic research to present profound concepts and insights in a relatable way. Enhanced by heartwarming stories and solid biblical guidance, each chapter invites readers to reflect and create space for peace.

Rev Dr Lim Siew Pik

President
Alpha Omega International College, Malaysia.

Wing Ning Pang

Jolene Kinser began her book with the rhetorical question: “Why is a white American writing a book on Chinese culture and peacemaking?” My answer to her is a sounding affirmative: “Why not?” A Chinese adage wisely says, “Participants in a situation are often confused, but onlookers may have a clearer view.” (當局者迷, 旁觀者清). As we all know, Chinese culture emphasizes the collective over the individuals; social norms and rules are well developed to maintain interpersonal and collective harmony. However, for Chinese persons entrenched in this highly complex structure, these very same norms and rules, such as “face” issues and rigid social hierarchy often become obstacles to resolving conflicts when they arise. Kinser, being an outsider free of the entrenchment, is in a better position to “see more clearly.” Moreover, her knowledge and experience accumulated in 24 years of ministry among the Chinese in Mainland China as well as the Chinese diaspora, have helped her develop this practical guide based on sound Biblical principles as well as insightful social and cultural analysis for peacemaking in the Chinese culture. I myself, as a Chinese church leader with more than 40 years of local church and mission ministry, have benefitted from Kinser’s excellent work. Her interviews with Chinese Christians involved in actual conflicts are most helpful to me. I recommend this book to all who are involved or interested in peacemaking in the Chinese context, other cultural contexts, and intercultural situations.

Wing Ning Pang Ph.D. Co-Founder of Christian Leadership Exchange

Dr. Brent Fulton

In Changing Normal, Jolene Kinser challenges the assumption — common across cultures — that we must simply learn to live with unresolved conflict and broken relationships. By uncovering the roots of interpersonal conflict, exploring the obstacles to reconciliation, and presenting case studies of real-life relationships that have been restored, Kinser lays out a hopeful roadmap for change, beginning in our own hearts and extending to the lives of those we care about. Rooted in Scripture and borne out of her own lived experience in the Chinese context, Kinser’s well-researched approach provides a unique perspective on applying biblical principles cross-culturally. By illuminating the challenges posed by her particular cultural milieu and how Chinese Christians have overcome these, Kinser highlights the importance of learning from diverse voices within the global church. Throughout the book, Kinser’s humble, prayerful posture invites readers of all cultural backgrounds into deep personal reflection, the necessary first step toward thriving in relationships.

Dr. Brent Fulton, China Source Founder, author of China’s Urban Christians

Wayne Forward

“Changing Normal” is a valuable and much-needed resource in understanding and applying biblical peacemaking in the world and churches today. Jolene, through her years of experience and research, helps bring fresh understanding of how biblical peacemaking is understood outside of a Western cultural context and specifically in Chinese culture. This book brings to light new ideas and insights on how to apply biblical peacemaking and understand peacemaking through a non-western cultural lens. A valuable and commendable read for anyone wanting to broaden their understanding of living out biblical peacemaking, particularly in the Chinese cultural context.

Wayne Forward, Pastor and CEO PeaceWise, Australia

Christopher L. Flanders

Conflict is endemic in Christian communities throughout the world yet poses unique challenges in contexts of high-face sensitivity. Jolene Kinser tackles this challenging yet critical topic head-on with this new book. With rich ethnographic detail, Kinser deftly demonstrates how fundamental face and face concerns are for Chinese and other face-sensitive cultures. Her many years of practical experience in face-laden and conflict situations enable Kinser to provide a deep theoretical understanding of face, honor, and shame brought into concrete and practical situations. Changing Normal is more than merely a strategy for reconciliation. It offers a biblically grounded personal and communal Christian face ethic. This book is a welcome addition to the growing literature on shame and face issues and fills a gap for the global church in conflict literature, as most current materials in that area are written from a Western context, operating with Western frameworks and assumptions. Though particularly helpful for those who work with Chinese, the lessons from Kinser’s work are critical for anyone engaged in intercultural service. This book is a fantastic gift to the global church!

Christopher L. Flanders, Professor of Missions, Graduate School of Theology, Abilene Christian University, Abilene, Texas, USA.

Aaron Tang

Appreciate very much Jolene Kinser’s passion and effort in tackling such a challenging yet subtle issue in the Chinese context. Being raised in a shame-oriented culture, in times of conflict, the Chinese tend to ignore it or normalize its impact. Kinser introduces Changing Normal, based on the teaching of the Bible, as a positive way of strengthening and restoring personal relationships. She also provides a process for personal growth, being empowered by the Holy Spirit, to become a peacemaker. I highly recommend it to every Chinese church pastor, lay leader, and parent, both first and second generation.

Aaron Tang

Executive Director

Canadian Chinese Alliance Churches Association

Rev. David Clotfelter

Changing Normal is a wise book that should be of great value to anyone practicing or teaching peacemaking, especially those who live and work in a Confucian-influenced culture. Drawing from her many years of cross-cultural ministry and exercising considerable theological sensitivity, Jolene Kinser helps us think through such thorny issues as the role of “face” in interpersonal relationships and the importance of genuine apologies in the pursuit of reconciliation. Her discussion of face is especially enlightening, as she shows that the concern to preserve face may express a legitimate awareness of the value God places on each individual. Face, she explains, is not the issue. Instead, we must ensure that we make God himself, not other people, the ultimate source of our affirmation. This sense of the “face” we have from God by virtue of our creation in his image gives us the courage to admit our contribution to conflicts and take steps that can lead to genuine peace with others. Highly recommended.

Rev. David Clotfelter, Ph.D.

Former Chaplain, Tunghai University, Taichung City, Taiwan 

Rick Stein

Regardless of our culture of origin, it is a huge and difficult paradigm shift to comprehend and begin living first and foremost as citizens of the Kingdom of Heaven rather than as citizens of the land of our birth. God’s Kingdom is trans-cultural and at odds at multiple points with every human culture. This is an important book because it is an informed attempt to help our Chinese brothers and sisters in Christ “get beneath” the surface of Christian principles and understand in their own language and nuances what a very alive God is trying to do at their heart level to transform them into citizens of His Kingdom. Stories are of people who took the big leap to begin living as citizens of God’s Kingdom and the transformational effect that it had in them.  May these stories and this book be contagious and read voraciously by all looking for a deeper walk with the Lord!

Rick Stein, Alliance Peacemaking Director, The Christian & Missionary Alliance

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