{"id":263,"date":"2023-06-26T19:53:41","date_gmt":"2023-06-26T19:53:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jolenekinser.com\/?p=263"},"modified":"2024-03-11T23:35:56","modified_gmt":"2024-03-11T23:35:56","slug":"barriers-to-apologizing-part-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jolenekinser.com\/zh_hk\/barriers-to-apologizing-part-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Barriers to Apologizing, Part 2"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Generally speaking, Chinese people view apologizing as a weakness. If I apologize to you, I automatically lose; you win. Being a white American, I was surprised by Li Qiang\u2019s description of how significantly apologizing impacts one\u2019s perception of their position and identity relative to others:<\/p>\n

\nFirst, when a person apologizes, identity-wise they will feel that \u201cI am a level lower than you.\u201d To be lower than someone else means that I am now in a situation where I can be controlled. You have rights over me: I can\u2019t hurt you, but you can hurt me.<\/em><\/p>\n

Chinese culture has moralized everything. Someone who makes a mistake is seen as flawed, deficient, and having shortcomings. A person who has not made mistakes is morally higher. They can then comment on and criticize the one who has made a mistake.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

If I am going to apologize, first I must accept that I am lower than you. Face, however, says that I cannot be lower than others, thus there\u2019s a tension.<\/em>\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I grew up with an entirely different framework regarding apologizing. In my cultural environment, owning up to sin or a mistake by apologizing, while uncomfortable and potentially humiliating, was also strongly encouraged as the honest and right thing to do. Leadership training in both secular and Christian contexts in my environment viewed confession and apology as an aspect of living in integrity. Apologizing was seen as something that would benefit the relationship, result in deeper trust, and honor God. So I perked up my ears when I realized that the people I was interviewing for my dissertation research were describing something outside of my experience. I needed to lean in further to better understand what else made apologizing so difficult.<\/p>\n

Once I tuned in to this relating of apologizing to a lowering in personal status, I began to see this understanding imbedded in people\u2019s comments. Zhang Jing said,<\/p>\n

\nI think that apologizing is a humbling of yourself. Apologizing is another way to say that we are putting ourselves lower in rank or are inferior to the other person, right? First, you must give up your right, your demand to be respected.<\/em>\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Zhang Min\u2019s description of how she used to view apologizing to others also had this understanding imbedded within:<\/p>\n

\nIf I didn\u2019t believe in the Lord, if I didn\u2019t have this faith, I probably would not set aside face. I would rather let go of the friendship.<\/em><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t lack friends. So, with the average friend\u00a0I wouldn\u2019t set aside my social status<\/strong>\u00a0and go to another person to say sorry because if I do this,\u00a0I will be looked down on, \u201cYou are weak, you are<\/strong>\u00a0. . .\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

But after believing in Jesus, the situation changed. To be a channel of love you should apologize first. This is how faith changed me.\u00a0<\/em>\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

When I heard these comments of what one expects to experience after confessing sin or admitting a mistake by apologizing, I gained an even deeper appreciation for the Chinese Christians I knew who were living as peacemakers.<\/p>\n

Apologizing is not for the faint of heart. Those I interviewed courageously chose to apologize despite the potential criticism, lecturing, shame, loss of face, and loss of social status that they might experience. They gained the strength and courage to live and love like this as they developed a new identity rooted in God\u2019s love, and a true view of themselves. They had experienced gospel power at work in their hearts which expanded their view of love and enabled them to lower themselves.<\/p>\n

Not that apologizing is easy for anyone, but I am grateful to have gained a better understanding of why it can be even harder for those who expect to face the social judgement of being considered morally inferior if they apologize.<\/p>\n

Note<\/strong>: This blog post contains content from Jolene\u2019s forthcoming book:\u00a0Changing Normal: A New Approach to Conflict, Face Issues, and Reconciling Relationships.<\/em><\/p>\n

Editor\u2019s Note: This is the second part of a two-part blog post.\u00a0Click here<\/a>\u00a0to read part one.<\/em><\/p>\n

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This blog post was first published on June 26, 2023 at\u00a0China Source.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

Image credit:\u00a0Hrushikesh Vegad<\/a>\u00a0via\u00a0UnSplash<\/a>.<\/p>\n\t<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n

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Endnotes<\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n
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  1. Li Qiang (pseudonym), author interview, 2019.<\/li>\n
  2. <\/span>Zhang Jing (pseudonym), author interview, 2019.<\/li>\n
  3. <\/span>Zhang Min (pseudonym), author interview, 2019<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\t<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/div> \n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div> \n<\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Generally speaking, Chinese people view apologizing as a weakness. If I apologize to you, I automatically lose; you win. 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