{"id":272,"date":"2023-04-03T20:02:19","date_gmt":"2023-04-03T20:02:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jolenekinser.com\/?p=272"},"modified":"2024-03-05T23:23:08","modified_gmt":"2024-03-05T23:23:08","slug":"opening-the-door-to-reconciliation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jolenekinser.com\/zh\/opening-the-door-to-reconciliation\/","title":{"rendered":"\u6253\u5f00\u548c\u597d\u7684\u95e8"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\t\t
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\u201cI\u2019m right,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m a good person,\u201d and \u201cI didn\u2019t make a mistake.\u201d These three mindsets regularly keep people from addressing conflict issues. Those I interviewed in China for my dissertation research expressed repeatedly that holding tight to these unexamined views of themselves and their positions was a big hindrance in reconciling relationships. Yet, as their mindsets shifted, a door to potential reconciliation opened.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m Right\u201d<\/h3>\n

When reflecting on how she used to never apologize to people, Wang Fang said, \u201cIn the past, I wasn\u2019t willing to apologize because I didn\u2019t think I had done anything wrong. I felt I was right!\u201d1<\/sup><\/a>\u00a0 How rigid or flexible is your thinking about yourself and that other person in the area that you disagree over? Do you find yourself viscerally digging in your heels on your own position, thinking or saying, \u201cI\u2019m right; I\u2019m going to prove it to you\u201d?<\/p>\n

Min Lei shared a story with me about a woman in her prayer group, Chen Li, who was deeply offended and hurt by something she had said.2<\/sup><\/a>\u00a0 When another prayer group member told Min Lei, she was shocked and even upset. She hadn\u2019t intended to hurt Chen Li! She had spoken with the best of intentions. How could Chen Li have interpreted her words in that way?<\/p>\n

When the prayer group member suggested that Min Lei call Chen Li, talk with her about it, and possibly apologize, at first Min Lei refused. She felt she hadn\u2019t done anything wrong. But as Min Lei spent time praying about the situation, God helped her see that the issue wasn\u2019t about whether her words were justified, her motivation pure, or if she had done something wrong; rather, the issue was whether Min Lei would be humble and compassionate enough to call, ask Chen Li to tell her how Min Lei\u2019s words had hurt her, and apologize for causing the hurt.<\/p>\n

So Min Lei called and asked Chen Li to tell her what she had said that had been hurtful and how that had impacted her. Chen Li was quite upset and emotional as she shared what Min Lei had said that was so hurtful. As Chen Li shared more, Min Lei realized that her words had triggered a past wound. Min Lei was able to see how hurt Chen Li felt by what she had said. God moved her heart to compassion, and she genuinely apologized for having hurt Chen Li. Chen Li was able to forgive her and their relationship was restored. To accomplish all this, Min Lei had to move past focusing on being right, a mindset that would have kept her stuck relationally.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m a Good Person\u201d<\/h3>\n

When you know at a gut level that you messed up, made a mistake, or sinned, you may find yourself justifying your behavior, thinking \u201cI meant well. I\u2019m a good person; this isn\u2019t worth losing face over.\u201d Yang Lin expressed the mindset in this way:<\/p>\n

We think we are good. Deep inside, we think,\u00a0even if I am not perfect, at least I am better than the average person.<\/em><\/p>\n

Even if we hate someone in our hearts and distance ourselves from people, we think we are still good: \u201cAt least I didn\u2019t argue with her!\u201d and, \u201cI am being polite to her!\u201d<\/em>\u00a03<\/sup><\/a><\/p>\n

The human ability to self-justify is quite impressive. As humans, we don\u2019t want to see ourselves as being in the wrong. And we certainly don\u2019t want to admit it to others. I have found, even as Christians, we are tempted to think that in some way, apart from Christ, we can be and ought to be good in and of ourselves. Oh, how we long to be good and be seen as good!<\/p>\n

\u201cI Didn\u2019t Make a Mistake\u201d<\/h3>\n

Sometimes even though we subconsciously know that we have sinned against someone or made a consequential mistake, the need to preserve face is felt so strongly that we don\u2019t acknowledge our sin or mistake to anyone, not even to ourselves. Why is it so difficult for us to face and accept our imperfect selves? What Huang Jingjing told me about feeling justified in her anger and face-saving reasons for not apologizing gives some clues:<\/p>\n

I used to rarely apologize to my husband or child. For one, I felt there was a reason for my anger toward them. Two, there was also my face. Even though in my heart I felt ashamed of my words and conscience-stricken, I still would not apologize. I would think, \u201cJust wait for a while, it will pass.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

I think a lot of people, like me, really want face. It is extremely hard to take the first step and admit our mistake or wrong; we fear that others will think poorly of us, or even attack us. I have this worry.<\/em><\/p>\n

I fake thinking I am correct, that I am very strong, because I don\u2019t want to admit I am weak. I feel like apologizing proves I have failed or done something wrong. This demonstrates that I\u2019m no good.<\/em>4<\/sup><\/a><\/p>\n

Did you notice Huang Jingjing\u2019s equation?<\/p>\n

doing something wrong or a failure = negative self-worth (\u201cI\u2019m no good\u201d)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Her gut response, even to herself, was to prioritize saving face above all else. If we equate doing something wrong, failing, or making a mistake with our self-worth, no wonder we subconsciously avoid thinking we might have sinned or made a mistake, never mind publicly acknowledging it!<\/p>\n

Wang Jia aptly describes what many of us feel unconsciously:<\/p>\n

If you are really going to deal with the problem [the conflict], you need to address your part of the problem; I am not that willing to face myself, that I sin, that I did something wrong. I\u2019m not that willing to face this problem; if I do face the problem, it will cause me to feel ashamed.<\/em>5<\/sup><\/a><\/p>\n

Particularly when facing a conflict in which we know we contributed to the problem, we often try harder to be good and revert to acting like nothing is wrong in order to preserve face and protect our own sense of goodness or self-worth.<\/p>\n

We have many blind spots and need the Holy Spirit\u2019s revelation of mindsets that are hindering us from addressing conflict issues with others. Proverbs tells us that our way of responding to others often seems right to us: \u201cEvery way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the heart\u201d (Proverbs 21:2). The Lord looks at our hearts and sees what is motivating our conflict responses. As we see what God sees in us, embrace his mindset, and begin to be changed, our relationships reap the benefits.<\/p>\n

\u00a0Note:<\/strong>\u00a0This blog post contains content from Jolene\u2019s yet to be published book:\u00a0Changing Normal: Overcome Barriers to Resolving Conflict, Start Reconciling Relationships.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This blog post was first published on April 3, 2023 at\u00a0China Source.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

Image credit:\u00a0Jan Tinneberg<\/a>\u00a0via\u00a0Unsplash<\/a>.<\/p>\n\t<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/div> \n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div> \n<\/div><\/div>\n\t\t

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Endnotes<\/h3>\n
    \n
  1. Wang Fang (pseudonym), author interview.<\/li>\n
  2. <\/span>Min Lei and Chen Li are fictitious names.<\/li>\n
  3. <\/span>Yang Lin (pseudonym), author interview.<\/li>\n
  4. <\/span>Huang Jingjing (pseudonym), author interview.<\/li>\n
  5. <\/span>Wang Jia (pseudonym), author interview.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\t<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n\t\t\t<\/div> \n\t\t<\/div>\n\t<\/div> \n<\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"\u201cI\u2019m right,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m a good person,\u201d and \u201cI didn\u2019t make a mistake.\u201d These three mindsets regularly keep people from addressing conflict issues. 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